Green-brown eyes

On a cold September Sunday I sat in a park on a wooden bench reading my book. As I was cold, I positioned in a way so the sun would hit most of my body to warm me up. I felt tranquil. I was deeply immersed in my book, so many memories flowed through me, old childhood memories of reading Harry Potter when there were no worries. It nicely interacted with the beautiful day, however cold. Late sun reflecting from dark green leaves of old oaks, made reading the book enjoyable. In all those good feeling a nagging though was still in the background. Being all alone. The gentle touch and warmth of a woman who would share all this with me.

Surprised I was then. A slim shadow came over me, much too close for my taste and a strange feeling of joy mixed with fear engulfed me. A young gipsy with a baby. She sat just next to me, placed pram next to her, took a deep breath. I ceased reading. As she has been approaching and her shadow stole the precious light rays, I still cherished hope that perhaps it could be beginning of something. With her first words the dream was hushed.

She leaned into me, making me perfectly uncomfortable at that moment and spoke silently sounding like a martyr. As she uttered first words of how difficult her life is: “I have a baby and need money to buy her milk”, I was thinking fervently how to get rid of her, but her face curled in faked agony, made me not to utter a word. Green-brown eyes. One could get lost in them for a lifetime. A perfect balance between green and brown mixing in the middle of iris to a color I’ve never seen before and would not see until next summer when I saw eyes even more beautiful if, it’s even possible. She drew another deep breath, “I need only like five euros more to get it, it costs fifteen”. “If it’s only five euros,” I thought to myself, “there is no harm in giving her that much, if it’s only one percent chance that it will help that baby, it was worth it.” I produced my wallet from the back pocket. Her eyes shone brilliantly. As I reached for the five-euro bill her face curled into a false smile, which she was so anxious to make look sincerely, but my gut feeling immediately revealed her ill intentions, however I chose to ignore it.

She knew she could get more. She obviously wasn’t doing this the first time. The whole conversation had a projected path of making the illusion of interest in the other person and trying to involve the person into her own problems by carefully changing the topic between her own problems, mine and requests. A deathly spiral for a compassionate person. She went on pitying me that I’m here alone and that she hopes that I find a true love. I was just silently nodding and agreeing with her, as I usually do with everybody, so everybody would like me. She was really good with her wits, if you are not careful, she would change topic of a conversation just as she intended and how it suited her. All that while maintaining that strange smile. Almost ominous. One in such distress of being on a brim of homelessness certainly should not be smiling. But I swept that thought away. Perhaps she was already used to her situation and made no sense to be distressed anymore. Or was well past that point of stress. Like soldiers at a front line, shells falling on them from all directions, it’s so stressful for your mind that it snaps, and you just don’t worry anymore. Eternal tranquility.

She went on and on how she has to sleep in the cheapest hotel because her family was abusing her. She briefly looked into the tree crowns. Rolled her big eyes. “I have to beg here every day like this to pay for the next day accommodation.” By now she was perhaps hoping for another fiver or so, she couldn’t have guessed that she hit a jackpot. As she was explaining this to me she perfectly matched my posture, leaning forward with hands crossed onto knees. My inner engineer started working fervently. If I hate something, then it is waste. And paying rent for each day is such a waste, that it made me anxious.

I turned to an active listener. I began to oppose her: “wait a minute. You are telling me that you pay for each day seven euros while you could pay hundred and twenty per month! That is an atrocious waste of money! You certainly should save money for a monthly rent and pay only for a whole month!” That’s easier to say than do. Naturally. When one scrambles to get money for one day. Getting money for a whole month at a time is whole lot harder. She opened her mouth in horror slightly. It looked pretended. Because it was mixed with that little smile of upcoming opportunity. I’m so mad at myself that I just chose to ignore it. But I couldn’t help it.

She was maybe even a little scared that I found a hole in her story, but she never left the character. “Oh my God, that is true” she was astonished. But suddenly a subtle smile showed on her face again. Only corners have lifted. “That would be such a waste, “she went on sadly. She looked at her feet, then looked me straight into my eyes, “if you could only help me tiniest bit more. You are such a good person. You sure can give me enough for a months rent.” Her sight sunk again. I took a deep breath and held my head with hand knowing that I walked straight into a trap I set up myself. “Ok, but I don’t have the money with me. I’ll have to find an ATM.” I wanted her to wait for me there, but she insisted so persistently on going with me to the mall nearby. Apparently, a lot of people make such excuse. I watched the trees swiveling in the wind for a while. A superb day truly. Golden leaves in the sun, reminded me that she should not stay outside for too long with the baby. So, I agreed.

We walked side by side in direction to the mall, her stroller going from side to side. I feared that it would hurt her baby. She was really reckless with it, not minding people around, giving her weird looks. Strange though. I should feel stupid being in such a company, but I didn’t. It always surprises me how the same places feel totally differently when being with different people. Now everything looked suspicious, or better expressed, the surroundings seemed to suspect me of something. Trafficking perhaps. Even sound of the fountain startled me as we entered square just in front of the mall.

The ATM of my bank was on the second floor. I offered her help with the pram, so the baby wouldn’t fall over. “Oh, no that’s okay, I’m use to this” says she, an expert on hanging out in malls when she had nowhere else to go. She went on to an escalator with her pram head on. Astounded. I truly was, how reckless she was. Following her onto the escalator I positioned as to be ready to catch the baby, because how she held the pram was unnerving. I smiled nervously. But we made it up without any hurt. Relieved I took out my debit card and typed in the appropriate amount into the ATM machine. I looked around nervously as though expecting undercover cops jumping out of nowhere. Nobody cared though. “Let’s go back to the park, it would be inappropriate giving you the money here”, I said, half embarrassed and hoping not to shame her. “Yeah right, I just need to use a bathroom could you, watch my baby just for while?”, she curled her eyebrows into sorrow inducing posture. Not to be confused with unwillingness. I wanted to help, but my head was swirling with all the possibilities what could go wrong. But as I looked at the baby sleeping soundly, without further due I agreed hesitantly. A mistake.

As the door of the bathroom closed behind her, I was half expecting her not to show up again and leaving me with her little girl. I was fervently thinking of ways how to save this situation. Non came to my mind. To add to my plight, outside of bathrooms was mildly crowded. A beautiful blonde looked at me strangely. I blushed and looked away. I immediately started panicking about not being ever again worth of woman’s love. Suddenly I was very aware of the electric lighting in the hall. It was like a spotlight. Highlighted. It felt so. But in reality, nobody cared. Everyone was caught up in their affairs. Suddenly she stirred up. I transfixed my gaze upon her as to try to keep her asleep hypnotically. “Oh, my got what would I do if she wakes up. She would just scream, and I would be afraid to pick her up to soothe her and everyone would just stare. And what if the security comes and starts to question me. I would just stand there helplessly.” I thought to myself. I was relieved that she fell again into her slumber when her eye popped open and then the other. Petrified. I stared in fear at her. She let out a little chirp:” aeh.” As a question where is mommy. You can imagine the time stopped immediately and cold sweat overwhelmed me. But she didn’t start screaming she just stared at me with her big eyes. Obviously, she was accustomed to being left with strangers and did not fear at all. After a minute or two I get a little relieved and just wait there, not really knowing what to feel or think. I was just there, not interacting with the baby at all. Trying not to draw any more attention, although some people were throwing strange looks at us. Gipsy finally returned from the bathroom. She picked the baby up clumsily, almost dropping it uncovering her diaper and back. She must be cold, I thought frowning. The gipsy smiles at me strangely and thanks me. We head back to the park.

As we find a nice vacant clearance, I hand her the money reluctantly. I will regret this. The only consolation to me was the thought how horrible it was to be in such situation. She thanks me again, gives me many life advices. And again, thanks me by saying: “you don’t have a girlfriend, do you.” I just shook my head. “I thought so. Well I believe you will find her soon. Such a good man.” This displeased me, to say the least. It really started to feel like, those classic oracles you pay to get good fortune.

Her good words of course weren’t there only to make me feel better. Again, she deviated to her topic. She put her stare sheepishly upon me and pleaded: “please give me your number, so I could let you know how we are doing.” This time determined not to comply again I just gave her my e-mail to make her at least partially satisfied. I made an excuse, that I had to go. I didn’t really want to go home yet. The park was beautiful, and trees swayed in the September breeze. The sun was just setting, and golden rays were bouncing off the tree tops. We parted. I took my usual swift stroll home.